Preparing a Turkey

I have been decorating the house for Christmas all day. In between, I've been trying to defrost a really annoying bird. I am fixing the bird for dinner tomorrow night. I am having my parents over for a "fake" Thanksgiving, since we were at Kevin's parents' house for "real" Thanksgiving. I got a 14 lb. turkey for FREE at Lucky, for spending a boat load of money. The damn thing will not defrost. He must have been an ornery bird in life, no wonder Obama didn't pardon him. Also part of the problem...(sorry, really gross picture to follow.)

See that clamp thing? The directions said, "Release legs of turkey from Handi-Clamp, one leg at a time, by pushing leg downward and toward center of clamp; free leg with upward motion." Yeah, right. That worked...NOT! First of all, the legs were still frozen, so they scarcely moved. Second of all, that bird was COLD. Third of all, it was a slippery f*#@. Pardon my French. I couldn't get the clamp to move, let alone push on the legs to "release" them. Kevin tried too. Unsuccessful. Back to the fridge the bird went, for more defrosting. Fast forward several hours. We try again. Well, damn.

Here's Kevin using the garden pliers on the damn clamp. That didn't work either. I kid you not! Double damn. We decided to try regular pliers. Kevin pulled the clamp out enough to "release the legs." I pulled it the rest of the way out. I was finally able to take the frozen neck (ew) out of the body, and then took the bag of giblets (double ew) out of the neck cavity. Gross. Have I mentioned how I used to be a vegetarian? Have I mentioned how much I HATE to touch raw meat, let alone an entire dead turkey? My hands have been all over this bird. Triple ew, with a shiver. Finally got it almost defrosted. I reread the directions. Oooops. "Replace legs into clamp." Well poop. Oh well, the damn thing will just have to cook with his legs flopping about. I'm going for tasty, not beauty. Ah, the adventures never end around here, and I am NOT Martha Stewart. Perhaps I'll fix ham for Christmas dinner.

Word for the Day: Wii. I am such a horrible mother. Those boys have been plugged into that Wii all day long. Well, at least they are getting their exercise, bouncing about. They are also perfecting their argument skills. I am learning to hate the word, "stop" though, since that's all they have said to each other all day.